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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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So, I fix her shoes, and she’s all smiles. I’m feelin’ like a hero, ya know? But then, just as I’m basking in my glory, the door swings open again. It’s a kid, maybe 10, with mud all over his trainers. He’s like, “Can you fix these?” I’m thinkin’, “Mate, they look like they’ve been through a war!” But I can’t say no.

'Anxious' mother issues heartfelt plea to find missing 14-year-old daughter